Thursday, November 14, 2013

Gain and Loss

Hello little blog.

It's been awhile. I'm sorry. I still love the idea of you. I love the idea of documenting my growth as a person, of being able to look back and watch myself change. See where I came from. I've missed that. So here I am. Back and begging for forgiveness.

I have some news....kind of. I started working hard in September to lose weight. Yes, I know...I'm always "working hard" to lose weight. But this time it's different. This time I'm doing it. This time when I eat my feelings its for a meal or for a day and I reign it back in before it can do any lasting damage to my body, my mind or my self esteem.

I can't say what has clicked to make this time different than the other times. I feel stronger, more patient. I feel ...ready.

The idea of weight loss has always been a mish mosh in my head. It's so many ideas roaming around at once that it's hard to pull anything out. In weight loss you literally lose part of yourself. You occupy less space, you become smaller and yet as I see my weight loss I feel my spirit grow bigger.  I feel my confidence get bigger. I feel brighter. When you think about it that is difficult to wrap your mind around.

On the flip side there's also the fear of being unclothed by fat, naked and unprotected from the world. I have spent my whole life obese. Morbidly obese actually. I had plenty of friends and the occasional boyfriend and being fat helped develop my personality. I developed a sense of humor, I developed compassion, kindness, love and empathy for others. I became ME because of my weight. So...what does that mean when I lose it? So often I wonder worry that I will change. That I will lose the me-ness that comes from this security blanket of fat. I think that's why I've stalled so many times. I get to that precipice where I'm about to start noticing a significant loss, a change in the shape of my body or a change in the shape of my face and boom. it hits. Anxiety that I can't place. Anxiety that can be quieted by large amounts of food from restaurants containing little to no nutritional value and for those brief moments, for the time that I am engulfed in a carbohydrate fatty craze I am content. I am me. I know this feeling. I know the shame that follows afterwards I know how to cope.

How do I cope with feeling hip bones? Seeing peeks of definition in my stomach? Of losing part of me? Of the unknown?

Everyone always focuses on the benefits of weight loss and how amazing you feel afterward but I don't think enough people focus on the mental difficulty of waking up each day and looking different. Of your physical appearance changing and worrying who you will be at the end of this journey.

I know that it's worth it. I know that I want to live a long life and travel and not feel self conscious. I know that I want to wear clothes that flatter my body and be able to shop in regular stores. I want to look good in my underwear and feel confident when I walk down the street or meet new people.

 I want to do this because I want to know who I am without the crutch of my girth.

I want to see who I can become when I achieve my goals and believe in myself.

I'm doing this because I can.

Starting Weight: 302.5
Current Weight: 261.4
Goal Weight: 175

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